Anger is subdued but never extinguished!
Just a fancy way of saying I'm back to being pissed off
Are you ever so sad you can’t be pissed off? Or maybe therapy is working and the inflamed kitchen in my head is one burnt cabinet less. Either way, I have found it very hard to be pissed at people until the last few days, but wow. People are relentless in their missions to piss me off. Maybe they just long for the life-changing fame that being a part of my newsletter allows them.
I am currently grappling with the fallacy that I can be loved and be disliked (maybe mildly, maybe not), at the same time. Let me explain. A lot of times we are faced by the contradictory confrontation of being loved and adored by someone, but realizing that they also see you as you are. Which is almost always a combination of a lot of insufferable flaws AND the goods we have in us. And sometimes those insufferable flaws will be insufferable to other people despite how much they love us. Thinking of this for more than 5 seconds often will result in heaps of discomfort and personal offense, because how can someone who loves us so much also not like things about us? I am the most beloved, flawless, kindest, generous, being to ever exist! But no, we’re not. None of us are, in the slightest. We all suck. But we are also all not sucky. We’re kind (well some of us are), we’re good friends/children/partners/co-workers/couisns/grandchildren/neighbours etc etc, we care sometimes to a fault, we go the extra mile, we show up. Both of these things exist side by side, shoulder to shoulder. We possess insufferable traits but are still loveable (well, somewhat). Other people, like ourselves, also might sometimes treat us/react to us is unfavourable ways even if they really respect and love us. And I think there’s a lot of release in realizing and sitting with the fact that sometimes people that love us also kind of hate us and that doesn’t mean anything other than just that. Yet, even still, as I type this I’m mad at some people for doing that thing they do.
I am very exhausted by subtlety. I want personal growth to be fast! I am very very tired of trudging through the same ways of thinking, collecting oneself and slowly inching towards being better at the sluggish pace of emotional rewiring. I WANT IT TO BE QUICK BUT NOT NIMBLE.
My big scary dobermann is scared of a dachshund in a house in our vicinity. The sausage barked ONCE at her through their house gate with her/his lousy bark, while my dog and I were out for a walk. This big scary, beastly dobermann started WHIMPERING, tail tucked between legs and all. It got so bad we had to cut the walk short and take her home. Where she then barked at a PIGEON to reassert her dominance that had been stolen from her by a……..sausage……dog……..A humbling experience. For her and I.
A while ago my sexist uncle came over for dinner and went off on every sexist tangent that a sexist man with a 28 year old daughter who refuses to get married can. From “What worth will she have as an old woman if she's not married? She will be stacked up in some room in some shitty house where she will be kept for pity’s sake!” , skidaddled to “Do you (referring to me) even know what happens to a woman’s body after 35?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? No of course you don't….who would have even told you?” then mercilessly moved on to “Feminism has an age! It makes sense at 17, but at 28?!?!?!? Grow up!” And honestly I don’t know what happened next because I left the room and didn’t return for the next hour. Saved by a fake sore throat!
Someone told me the other day that my tattoo looks like “an autopsy line”.
Listen, we all suck. But you all suck especially.
Lyrics for this one:
“Words are like, kaleidoscopes, the taste of soap, a billy goat, coat. Words are like a prison guard, a faded scar, a car.” - Words Are Like by They Might Be Giants